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The following reflection was written by Poppy.

This is a tough subject for me. I’m tearing up just beginning to think about it.

I’m currently 11 weeks pregnant after a long and hard 9 years of “trying.” Each Mother’s Day that rolled around has brought feelings of jealousy, envy, discontentedness, and of course unanswerable questions to God and my husband. What added another layer of grief was that I lost my own mother at age 15 to Breast Cancer.

My first vivid “bad” memory of a Mother’s Day was about 2 years into trying. I was on vacation with my girlfriends for the weekend and we decided to hit up a brunch spot in Wilmington on our way home. The staff gave each woman a rose at the end of the meal and wished all of us “Happy Mother’s Day.” I can’t put into words the sadness that I felt, but also anger at the waitstaff for not thinking through what they were doing. What about ladies that had experiences miscarriages or still births? What about those with failed adoptions or those of us trying to conceive, some even going broke financially and emotionally to do so, with no baby to show for it? I know this may seem overly sensitive, but those were my feelings.  I still have anger towards that restaurant to this day!

My husband soon realized how difficult Mother’s Day was for me. The next year, he made a card with our dogs’ footprints on it. That is one of the most thoughtful things he’s ever done for me. Over the years, he’s tried so hard to lessen the emotions that I feel on this day, but there’s only so much that can be done.

As the years went on, I actually learned how to handle my emotions on Mother’s Day, especially knowing that we would be going to church. There were 2 or 3 years that I just cried intermittently through the entire church service, and one year in particular that we skipped church altogether after I confessed to my husband that I just couldn’t take it. Our pastor at the time was aware of what was going on with me, and after a couple years of preaching to moms (which I wasn’t) or about moms (mine was in Heaven), he changed his strategy. Perhaps seeing me bawl through the services was enough to make him rethink his sermons. Whatever the reason, I’m thankful.

On Mother’s Day in 2015, I wrote a blog post entitled “On This Day, It’s O.K.…” It was from the heart and mostly about not having a mother around on Mother’s Day. But I did touch on our infertility for the first time ever on social media and how difficult it is to want motherhood, but not have it.

I don’t remember saying anything to my girlfriends about my feelings in the restaurant that long-ago day, but in the years following, they became a huge support system. Two out of the four of us required In Vitro Fertilization to become pregnant. The statistics are that 1 in 8 couples have trouble getting or remaining pregnant, but it seems higher than that. Why it is still taboo to talk about when so many people experience infertility is mind-boggling. In my experience, being open about infertility helps others admit their own stories.

For those women who have never experienced infertility, you have friends that have–no question about it. If you know of a specific friend or acquaintance that’s experiencing infertility (especially on Mother’s Day), I have found it really helpful to simply acknowledge it and tell them that you’re thinking of them in a personal message. It may seem like a lot to ask, but it really does have a significant impact. You may become a person that they turn to in difficult or joyful moments following an exchange like that.

Mother’s Day is difficult and emotional for both men and women who are infertile, have experienced miscarriage, still birth, infant loss, or failed adoption. It’s too much for words sometimes. And if you fit into any of these categories, please talk about it to someone you trust if you haven’t yet. The connections I’ve made because of infertility with women experiencing the same things are bonds that can never be broken. We share a deep pain that in many ways, only this community understands. Talk to them on your hard days–not just Mother’s Day. We all deal with things differently, and I learned how to deal with my emotions better because of these connections. Cry, yell, scream, go out, stay in, don’t shower, do shower, get dressed up, put make up on, or don’t. However you deal with it, just know that you will get through Mother’s Day and each hard day, especially with help from your loved ones and friends.